My husband read it first. "Kathleen, you have got to see this" he said as he handed me the Weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal. There, on the cover, was an essay by Yale Law School professor Amy Chua entitled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior." Yikes. This is gonna be good. So, I read the article and was appalled at the lengths this woman would go to instill perfection in her daughters. The opportunities she denied them and the effort she demanded from them. I went to the web site to see if anyone had posted any comments and was amazed to see over 500 already there (when I sat down to pen this blog post, there were over 1700 comments).
I went to my Facebook page to post a link to the article only to discover several friends had beaten me to it. Throughout the weekend, I received emails and phone calls from friends across the country who had read the article and wanted to discuss it. Clearly, Ms. Chua touched a very hot button with her article. I will give her immense credit for her ability to put it all out there. Clearly, she had to know that her personal examples would not reflect well on her with her Western audiences. Also, as she has a book coming out tomorrow, she is a master marketer.
Boiled down, it is her position that Chinese parents raise more successful children than Western parents due to their unwavering focus on academic success and their ability to eliminate all competing distractions from their children's lives in order to demand that success. The author believes that there are three major differences in parenting between Western parents and Chinese parents:
1) Western parents place too great an emphasis on self-esteem. In her view, Chinese parents believe self-esteem comes with success and must be earned. If a child does not do well, the Chinese parent does not believe it is due to any lack of ability but rather because the child did not work hard enough and he or she should be punished and shamed until improvement occurs.
2) Chinese parents believe their children owe them everything and therefore should do whatever it is the parents ask or expect of them irrespective of their ability to perform said tasks.
3) Chinese parents believe they know what is best for their children in all respects and therefore can override their children's own wishes and desires. In fact, what the child wants is not a factor for consideration. Only what the parent believes the child should want and enjoy.
In her defense, which I feel she does need as the comments against her are just so mean, she does have a couple interesting points. Parents know best. Not always and in every situation but especially for the younger children, often they do. Practice makes perfect. Very few of us are born with the innate ability that matches our passion for activities be them sports or music or art or whatever else. Practicing these skills helps improve these skills which often increases our enjoyment of the activity.
So, what do you think? Is the Chinese model superior to the Western model? Is the Western model of nurturing individualism and allowing children to follow their passions misguided? Are we (Western parents) raising generations of weak, unfocused children who will not be able to compete in the 21st century marketplace?
Win a FuzziBunz One Size or Perfect Size Diaper
Well, since we are talking China, how about a diaper that used to be made there? Parenting favorite FuzziBunz. We will give away one of their very popular One Size or one of their equally popular Perfect Size (your choice) to a randomly selected entrant. Giveaway ends January 25, 2011. In order to enter:
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The article left me pretty speechless. I saw it a few days ago and all I could muster after reading was a "wow!".
ReplyDeleteI think the goals of the Chinese are right but the method is just insane to me. I want my children to live, not be in a boot camp. The way the describe their style reminds me of mean drill sergeants. It's just crazy to me.
I think it's possible to raise wonderful children without being drill sergeants.
Obviously my parenting style is more lax than the Chinese. Not that I'm going to let my children run amuck but I do believe I can raise them with good values and they will be successful without all of that craziness.
I think a parenting style that meets in-between and is flexible to the needs of each individual child are important.
ReplyDeleteOur daughter is 3 months old and at this point we are giving her all of the love and attention we possibly can. We are following our own instincts and the clues that she is giving us and not listening to all of the 'noise' from other people who feel they are experts.
We will have high expectations for our bright little girl but we will also encourage her to follow her dreams and passions. I do think many parents rely too much on television to raise their children and we will try to engage with our children as much as possible. We aim to provide educational toys, instil strong values, commitment to community, and selflessness.
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ReplyDeleteMy parenting style? I guess I would say I'm a Western parent...but I'm embracing that. I know I will focus on providing for my child and will focus on his self-esteem to a point. I want to raise him to be a child who will follow his dreams and will be a man of God.
ReplyDeleteIf he's gets Bs, is Villager #6 and enjoys video games but is still a respectful child who loves God..my opinion..I've succeeded as a parent.
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ReplyDeleteParents do know what's best for their children, but not in the way of terrorizing them. Children still have their own choice, they just need to be guided especially on their younger years.
ReplyDeleteParenting Articles
I thought the article was a very interesting read. Although I do not practice that style of parenting, I can understand why it may be an attractive choice in that culture. If you live in a county of a Billion people you NEED to be the best in order to stand out and suceed. I also think that WAY TOO MANY "western" parents let the TV raise their children and are not active particpants in their lives.
ReplyDeleteFor my, I only have 1 child who is 6 months old and my style is to try to be a hands on parent. There is lots of singing, and books to read. No TV for him until he is much older. My husband and I are just starting to discuss rules and disapline strategies. But I hope that we will be balenced in raising him to be a healthy, active and driven adult
Katie A
I follow your blog
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting article. I think there should be a balance, and she does make some valid points. I am definitely more western but the points on self-esteem are accurate - I love how she calls fat the f-word that we won't use. Our culture is totally afraid to motivate our kids for fear of poor self-image, and where she hits it on the head is where she says that we assume fragility whereas the Chinese assume strength. Our kids don't have poor self-esteem because we criticize them - They have poor self-esteem because they can pick up on us walking on egg shells and conclude we must be doing so for a reason.
ReplyDeleteMy parenting style so far is a lot of attachment, as my son is 3 months old!
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I like Cottontail Baby on FB.
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I follow this blog.
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I'm definitely a "western" parent, it would seem, at least on 2 of the 3 points. I don't care too much about self-esteem - I think a kid will develop it through figuring things out and doing well. I'm not into so much of the silly stuff to help kids feel good about nothing in particular.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes we westerns allow a little too much self-direction. Kids need to know boundaries, and sometimes, there really are things that can be beyond reach. Not to kill the dream or anything, but just a dose of reality.
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ReplyDeleteI don't know how you would categorize my parenting style. Definitely western as far as the article is concerned. I have seen what kids today can do to each other's self esteem. As a parent, you can only do so much in that department. If I feel they didn't meet their potential or try their best, I will say something to them. I learned as a coach some kids respond to public criticism better than others. I would always try to say something positive too. I find myself using the same techniques at home- trying to sandwich a negative between 2 positives.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel my boys owe me or my husband anything. It was our decision to have children.
It is important for kids to have dreams. Those dreams always have the potential to become reality.
(not sure how much sense this makes. I'm typing on my tiny phone screen, while breastfeeding at 4 am...:) )
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I hope the new vanilla hemp is an option, I'm dying to try one! ;)
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I agree with you in that she does have some valid points, but I would never go to those extremes. I dont think I am even capable of it. =) I think I will take a combined sort of approach and try and foster their self esteem while encouraging them to succeed and not letting them quit. Does that make sense? =)
ReplyDelete(I did all of the above to enter!)
I guess I have come from both worlds in a sense. I am 3rd Generation of my family. I am not Chinese, but I know that Asian culture has a lot of pressure of academics. My family is from the Philippines, and I was born in Guam (USA territory).
ReplyDeleteI feel that Academics is important, and I need to support my kids by encouraging them to excel in it and to make it their responsibility to put time and effort in it. To learn how to do things well and honorably is something I want to teach my kids. Public schools sometimes have too much freedom where most (not all) of the students do not have the drive to really go out and study hard or
to do well on homework. I think teaching your kids that being a student is a responsibility for them right now while they are young is important. Yes, they may get into fun activities, but first they must learn how to be diligent in academics. (It is sort of like chores--no play until they are done.)
In terms of making your child 'perfect' --every parent probably wants their child to have that perfect A + when it comes to grades. Straight 100s down the line on every test and every quiz. Well, maybe not, but I sure hope my kid gets good grades! As a kid I developed desire to really want those perfect grades because I felt it generated love from my parents. The closer I scored to 100 the better they would love and accept me. This is what I thought as a kid. Getting older, I knew they loved me no matter what, but whether or not they were happy with a B or a C was another matter. I truly desire to instill in my kids a healthy balance. To encourage them to get the highest grade they can. To reward them for getting a good grade, doing well, studying hard---and when they don't---I desire to help them get better, but not for them to earn my love and approval. I have not yet had the chance to have this experience--sophie is only 4 months. I really desire though that they get good grades (and bad if it happens) without the worry of losing the love of their parents.
If a child's only outlet is school, sometimes that can hinder who they are as a child. If they are not allowed to explore ( and make mistakes ) sometimes the child grows up in fear of the unknown and of the consequences of his or her actions.
Parents are always going to be learning about their children--we must be avid learners of them. Things that work for others may not always work for us. Things that are the problems with one child is not always the problem for the other. Same with solutions and techniques.
I know that we ought to train our chidren in the way that they ought to go. We must teach them to be diligent in what they put their hands to doing. Do it with all they got. Sometimes what we think is best may not be the best--or sometimes what they think is best may not be what is best for them---vice versa.
I know that for this Chinese woman, its sort of a culture-tradition thing. Its like the norm for them. Breaking out of the box or norm is appalling and very taboo. I can relate and I can adapt. From their eyes it is very much a source of pride (they are not trying to be arrogant, but its this sense of pride) for their child to attain such "perfectness" and high forms of academics. I don't agree with the way she is living, but neither does she agree with the way we are living. Its a very cultural thing that has very big walls--bigger than the Great Wall. When one veers away from "family tradition" especially in an Asian culture---Japanese, Chinese, Guamanian, Filipino, Korean, etc it is a very touchy. I have not read her book, but I know that the way she raises her children is probably stemming from something as old as a mindset, idea, or tradition-- Something that she was taught and passed down. From there you can see government--how the types of government has had such tremendous amount of influence on their people. I am not saying all Chinese are this way, but quite a majority.
Sorry, I am rambling
I guess I have come from both worlds in a sense. I am 3rd Generation of my family. I am not Chinese, but I know that Asian culture has a lot of pressure of academics. My family is from the Philippines,and I was born in Guam.
ReplyDeleteI feel that Academics is important, and I need to support my kids by encouraging them to excel in it and to make it their responsibility to put time and effort in it. To learn how to do things well and honorably is something I want to teach my kids. Public schools sometimes have too much freedom where most (not all) of the students do not have the drive to really go out and study hard or
to do well on homework. I think teaching your kids that being a student is a responsibility for them right now while they are young is important. Yes, they may get into fun activities, but first they must learn how to be diligent in academics. (It is sort of like chores--no play until they are done.)
In terms of making your child 'perfect' --every parent probably wants their child to have that perfect A + when it comes to grades. Straight 100s down the line on every test and every quiz. Well, maybe not, but I sure hope my kid gets good grades! As a kid I developed desire to really want those perfect grades because I felt it generated love from my parents. The closer I scored to 100 the better they would love and accept me. This is what I thought as a kid. Getting older, I knew they loved me no matter what, but whether or not they were happy with a B or a C was another matter. I truly desire to instill in my kids a healthy balance. To encourage them to get the highest grade they can. To reward them for getting a good grade, doing well, studying hard---and when they don't---I desire to help them get better, but not for them to earn my love and approval. I have not yet had the chance to have this experience--sophie is only 4 months. I really desire though that they get good grades (and bad if it happens) without the worry of losing the love of their parents.
If a child's only outlet is school, sometimes that can hinder who they are as a child. If they are not allowed to explore ( and make mistakes ) sometimes the child grows up in fear of the unknown and of the consequences of his or her actions.
Parents are always going to be learning about their children--we must be avid learners of them. Things that work for others may not always work for us. Things that are the problems with one child is not always the problem for the other.
I know that we ought to train our chidren in the way that they ought to go. We must teach them to be diligent in what they put their hands to doing. Do it with all they got. Sometimes what we think is best may not be the best--or sometimes what they think is best may not be what is best for them---vice versa.
I know that for this Chinese woman, its sort of a culture-tradition thing. Its like the norm for them. Breaking out of the box or norm is appalling and very taboo. I can relate and I can adapt. From their eyes it is very much a source of pride (they are not trying to be arrogant, but its this sense of pride) for their child to attain such "perfectness" and high forms of academics. I don't agree with the way she is living, but neither does she agree with the way we are living. Its a very cultural thing that has very big walls--bigger than the Great Wall. When one veers away from "family tradition" especially in an Asian culture---Japanese, Chinese, Guamanian, Filipino, Korean, etc it is a very touchy. I have not read her book, but I know that the way she raises her children is probably stemming from something as old as a mindset, idea, or tradition-- Something that she was taught and passed down. From there you can see government--how the types of government has had such tremendous amount of influence on their people. I am not saying all Chinese are this way, but quite a majority.
Rambling....sorry
I guess I have come from both worlds in a sense. I am 3rd Generation of my family. I am not Chinese, but I know that Asian culture has a lot of pressure of academics. My family is from the Philippines, and I was born in Guam (USA territory).
ReplyDeleteI feel that Academics is important, and I need to support my kids by encouraging them to excel in it and to make it their responsibility to put time and effort in it. To learn how to do things well and honorably is something I want to teach my kids. Public schools sometimes have too much freedom where most (not all) of the students do not have the drive to really go out and study hard or
to do well on homework. I think teaching your kids that being a student is a responsibility for them right now while they are young is important. Yes, they may get into fun activities, but first they must learn how to be diligent in academics. (It is sort of like chores--no play until they are done.)
Perfect child: every parent probably wants their child to have that perfect A + when it comes to grades. Straight 100s down the line on every test and every quiz. Well, maybe not, but I sure hope my kid gets good grades! As a kid I developed desire to really want those perfect grades because I felt it generated love from my parents. The closer I scored to 100 the better they would love and accept me. This is what I thought as a kid. Getting older, I knew they loved me no matter what, but whether or not they were happy with a B or a C was another matter. I truly desire to instill in my kids a healthy balance. To encourage them to get the highest grade they can. To reward them for getting a good grade, doing well, studying hard---and when they don't---I desire to help them get better, but not for them to earn my love and approval. I have not yet had the chance to have this experience--sophie is only 4 months. I really desire though that they get good grades (and bad if it happens) without the worry of losing the love of their parents.
If a child's only outlet is school, sometimes that can hinder who they are as a child. If they are not allowed to explore ( and make mistakes ) sometimes the child grows up in fear of the unknown and of the consequences of his or her actions.
Parents are always going to be learning about their children--we must be avid learners of them. Things that work for others may not always work for us. Things that are the problems with one child is not always the problem for the other. Same with solutions and techniques.
I know that we ought to train our chidren in the way that they ought to go. We must teach them to be diligent in what they put their hands to doing. Do it with all they got. Sometimes what we think is best may not be the best--or sometimes what they think is best may not be what is best for them---vice versa.
I feel that Academics is important, and I need to support my kids by encouraging them to excel in it and to make it their responsibility to put time and effort in it. To learn how to do things well and honorably is something I want to teach my kids. Public schools sometimes have too much freedom where most (not all) of the students do not have the drive to really go out and study hard or
ReplyDeleteto do well on homework. I think teaching your kids that being a student is a responsibility for them right now while they are young is important. Yes, they may get into fun activities, but first they must learn how to be diligent in academics. (It is sort of like chores--no play until they are done.)
Perfect child: every parent probably wants their child to have that perfect A + when it comes to grades. Straight 100s down the line on every test and every quiz. Well, maybe not, but I sure hope my kid gets good grades! As a kid I developed desire to really want those perfect grades because I felt it generated love from my parents. The closer I scored to 100 the better they would love and accept me. This is what I thought as a kid. Getting older, I knew they loved me no matter what, but whether or not they were happy with a B or a C was another matter. I truly desire to instill in my kids a healthy balance. To encourage them to get the highest grade they can. To reward them for getting a good grade, doing well, studying hard---and when they don't---I desire to help them get better, but not for them to earn my love and approval. I have not yet had the chance to have this experience--sophie is only 4 months. I really desire though that they get good grades (and bad if it happens) without the worry of losing the love of their parents.
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I could never push my kids like that. I am a western parent for sure.
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ReplyDeleteI would say my style is Western. We set high expectations for our kids but try to create a nurturing environment for them to explore and learn. I guess she had some valid points. I do not like how our society has moved to not keeping score in sports because they don't want to have anyone's feelings get hurt.
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